Dr Arthur Arons 36 Questions

Dr. Arthur Aron, a social psychologist, is renowned for his research on interpersonal closeness and intimacy. In 1997, he and his colleagues developed a set of 36 questions designed to foster closeness between individuals through mutual self-disclosure. These questions are structured to gradually increase in personal depth, encouraging participants to share more intimate information as they progress. The exercise typically concludes with participants staring into each other's eyes for four minutes, which can further enhance feelings of closeness. While these questions were initially designed to study interpersonal closeness in a laboratory setting, they have since been popularized as a method to foster intimacy in various contexts, including romantic relationships and friendships

While Aron’s questions are a strong foundation for structured vulnerability, but better questions come from tailoring the conversation to intent, audience, and emotional readiness. Below Aron's questions I've created a custom list for a specific purpose — like dating, friendship, or team building? 

🔷 Set I: Building Comfort Through Safe Disclosure

What It Includes:

Questions in this set are low-risk, surface-level prompts that help people ease into the process of sharing. Examples include:

• “Would you like to be famous? In what way?”

• “What would constitute a perfect day for you?”

Purpose:

• To establish rapport without overwhelming vulnerability.

• Builds trust and signals mutual willingness to participate.
  
  

Why It Works:

• Reciprocity: Both partners reveal at equal depth.

• Fluency boost: It generates easy conversation, which fosters comfort and warmth.

• Mere exposure effect: Spending quality attention on someone can increase likability.

🔷 Set I:

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

🔷 Set II: Increasing Emotional Investment

What It Includes:

This set introduces more personal and emotionally reflective questions, like:

• “What is your most treasured memory?”

• “What does friendship mean to you?”
  
  

Purpose:

• Deepens the conversation.

• Encourages vulnerability, which is a cornerstone of emotional bonding.
  
  

Why It Works:

• Mutual vulnerability builds trust.

• The questions begin to access a person’s internal world, rather than just preferences or facts.

• Creates a sense of shared intimacy — you're “in this” together, both opening up more.

🔷 Set II:

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future

or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why

haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

🔷 Set III: Deep Intimacy and Emotional Exposure

What It Includes:

These questions are the most intense and self-revealing. Examples:

• “If you were to die this evening, what would you most regret not having told someone?”

• “Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing?”
  
  

Purpose:

• Promotes emotional closeness and personal insight.

• Encourages the kind of openness often reserved for close relationships.
  
  

Why It Works:

• Self-disclosure activates empathy: Listening to someone's raw truth increases emotional connection.

• It builds a sense of "shared reality", which accelerates bonding.

• Pushing through discomfort together can mimic the vulnerability of real-life bonding events (e.g. grief, joy, crisis).

🔷 Set III:

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ...“

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

How the Entire Process Works (Psychologically):

1. Gradual Vulnerability: Starting light and going deeper mirrors how trust is naturally built.

2. Reciprocal Disclosure: You share, I share — it creates equality and safety.

3. Emotional Synchrony: When people reflect and emote together, their heart rates and brain activity often align.

4. Closeness-Generating Conditions: According to Aron’s theory, closeness grows when:
   
   

   • Both people are willing to be open.
     
     

   • There’s time and sustained attention.
     
     

   • There’s shared vulnerability.

While Arthur Aron's 36 Questions are excellent for fostering emotional intimacy, they’re not universally perfect. Depending on your goal — romantic connection, deep friendship, team-building, or even just meaningful conversation — there might be better or more targeted questions.

Here are some ways to improve or customize:

✅ If you're seeking deeper emotional connection (more tailored or modern than Aron's):

• “What are you afraid people misunderstand about you?”

• “What part of your life feels most meaningful right now?”

• “What emotion do you avoid the most, and why?”
  
  

✅ If you're building trust or team rapport:

• “What’s a mistake you learned a lot from?”

• “Who made you feel most supported in your life — and how?”

• “What’s one thing you’d love for others to understand about how you think?”
  
  

✅ If you're exploring compatibility in a romantic sense:

• “How do you typically express affection — through words, actions, time, gifts, or touch?”

• “What do you think is essential for a lasting relationship?”

• “When was the last time you felt truly seen in a relationship?”
  
  

✅ If you're just looking for more fun or creative conversation:

• “If you could swap lives with anyone for one week, who would it be?”

• “What story from your life do you love telling, and why?”

• “If your inner voice had a name and personality, what would they be like?”

Here are customized question sets for different purposes: romantic connections, friendships, and team building. These aim to spark meaningful, engaging conversations and foster closeness.

1. For Romantic Connections (Dating/Partners)

These questions are meant to help you and your partner deepen emotional intimacy, understanding, and connection:

1. What does love feel like to you, and how do you express it?
   
   

2. What are your biggest relationship deal-breakers?
   
   

3. How do you usually like to be comforted when you're feeling down?
   
   

4. What’s your idea of a perfect date?
   
   

5. What do you think makes a relationship last?
   
   

6. How do you handle conflict in relationships?
   
   

7. What’s something you admire most about your ideal partner?
   
   

8. When did you first realize you wanted to be in a committed relationship?
   
   

9. What’s the most romantic thing someone has ever done for you?
   
   

10. What are your hopes and dreams for a future together?
    
    

11. How do you feel about public displays of affection?
    
    

12. What is something you’ve never told anyone, but feel comfortable sharing now?
    
    

13. What is a memory of love that makes you smile every time?
    
    

14. What makes you feel most loved and appreciated?
    
    

15. What’s a small, everyday thing that would make you happy in a relationship?
    
    

2. For Friendships (Deepening Connections)

Use these to strengthen your bond with friends, build mutual understanding, and create lasting memories:

1. What’s something you’ve always wanted to do with a close friend, but haven’t yet?
   
   

2. When was the last time you felt truly supported by someone?
   
   

3. What’s something you’ve learned from our friendship that’s changed your perspective?
   
   

4. How do you show people you care about them?
   
   

5. What’s the most memorable moment we’ve shared together?
   
   

6. What do you value most in a friendship?
   
   

7. Is there a quality in me that you admire or want to learn more about?
   
   

8. What is something about you that you think others often misunderstand?
   
   

9. When do you feel most yourself, and what helps you get there?
   
   

10. How do you cope when life feels overwhelming?
    
    

11. What’s a lesson you’ve learned through a difficult friendship or experience?
    
    

12. How do you keep in touch with friends, even when life gets busy?
    
    

13. Is there a place or adventure you’d love to experience with me?
    
    

14. What’s something that makes you laugh uncontrollably every time?
    
    

15. What do you hope for in the next year for your closest relationships?
    
    

3. For Team Building (Work/Collaboration)

These questions are great for creating trust, fostering teamwork, and improving communication in professional settings:

1. What motivates you to do your best work?
   
   

2. What do you think makes a good team leader?
   
   

3. How do you prefer to give and receive feedback in a team?
   
   

4. When do you feel most energized and productive at work?
   
   

5. What’s one skill you’d like to develop to contribute more effectively to the team?
   
   

6. How do you handle stress or pressure in a team environment?
   
   

7. What’s your approach to solving challenges or conflicts within a team?
   
   

8. What’s something you appreciate about how our team collaborates?
   
   

9. What’s one change you’d like to see within our team dynamics?
   
   

10. How do you stay organized and manage your tasks in a busy work environment?
    
    

11. What’s a recent success or achievement in your work that you’re proud of?
    
    

12. How do you like to celebrate team accomplishments or milestones?
    
    

13. How do you approach balancing teamwork with individual tasks or responsibilities?
    
    

14. What’s an idea or initiative you’d love to implement within the team?
    
    

15. What personal value or belief guides your work and decision-making?
    
    

These sets are designed to be adaptable, so you can use them in various situations. They go beyond surface-level questions to promote vulnerability, mutual understanding, and deep connection — whether it’s for love, friendship, or collaboration.